Songs for Reddit Volume II: The Internet is Near to the Brokenhearted and Saves the Crushed in Spirit

by Thomas Hallett

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This is my second album of songs for reddit. This album was inspired by reddit users. I love writing music for others and since reddit has been an incredible source of entertainment, information and genuine inspiration; as both an artist and a person, I felt obliged to give something back.

Here's the thread that inspired the songs behind this one:

Thank you for listening.


released December 18, 2012

All Songs Written, Recorded and Produced by Thomas Hallett
Mixed and Mastered by Jonathan Knobel
Additional Instrumentation by Michael Hallett
Artwork by u/melissathrill



all rights reserved


songsforreddit Baltimore, Maryland

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Track Name: The Story of My Life
There once was a boy who sat at his keyboard
and wrote songs for the dead as his life slowly wilted away.
Like a flower with no sun or water to speak of
his petals were falling and his walls were closing in.

All he needed was something, so his passion wouldn't go to waste.
So he started writing songs for his good friends, and the smiles that replaced
the frowns and tears from all those troubled years. And from that moment on
he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

After time spent honing his craft, he went on reddit and politely asked
"Is there anything at all that you'd like to hear?"
And out came all the trolls, but he respectfully paid his toll
and wrote a song about spacedicks and a violated dog.

But the beauty of experience is that it's something we all share.
The threshold of perception and the different things we care
about makes rhapsody and perfectly harmonious harmonies
that we, at the very least, can laugh about.

And that boy gave his life and his energy to others,
because we're all on this planet together
like subatomic sisters and brothers laughing and sharing
everything we've got because if you don't
all of this was for naught.
Track Name: The Champion of Scrubs
You taught me everything that I needed to know
about making out with Natalie Portman and showed
how one should conduct oneself in a hospital full of clowns.
And I'd waste days watching marathons of Scrubs if I could just afford to lay around.
Your sense of humor and mannerisms are regarded as unique.
Teenage and twenty something girls hang on every word you speak or tweet.

You're a redditor, but you don't spam or annoy
Like Woody Harrelson's ask me anything that the community destroyed.
You contribute content in the most unusual of forms
Not spacedicks, or politics, but r/geriatricporn.

And it's not as weird as you'd think.
Old people are really cute sometimes!
Wearing their sweaters not worrying
Just enjoying whatever is left of their lives.

But back to the topic at hand, (I go off on tangents sometimes.)
Zach, you are a wonderful man, and your smile always shines

like the sunlight on camera
because you work hard to make people laugh.
And I'd imagine that we'd be good friends,
so this is an ode you to, Zach Braff.

And all your prestigious achievements,
and the entertainment you generate,
and when I turn on the TV and see you,
I can feel my heart start to palpitate.
Track Name: Twists and Bends
The alarm sounds early
and I get out of bed
go to the mirror and my hair's still curly,
and I think to myself "Oh, what a mess!"

And I comb through the jungle
begging and pleading it to stay on my side
because we are cursed to live together
and I hate when you refuse to stay out of my eyes.

So all of you out there
living the dream with straight hair
will never understand the torture
that twists and bends from on top of your head.

And they say the grass is greener,
well, my grass is too thick for me to control.
I'd need an industrial grade lawnmower
just to go out and look presentable.

But the tangles that I am cursed with
are forever part of me.
And I know there's someone out there
that will love them unconditionally.
Track Name: Chasing Ghosts
There's a light at the end of the hallway
and you stare down to find them.
The friends that you lost, but only the body.
Spirits persist and they kiss you when you sleep.

But there's no way to know if you're crazy so
you keep them to yourself and you wish that they were here.

Disturbed by anything at all that could be
ethereal so you reach out and see.
If you can feel anything at all, to touch their skin
so you close your eyes and you pretend.

But there's no way to know if you're crazy so
you keep them to yourself and you wish that they were here.
Track Name: The Internet is Near to the Brokenhearted...
The weight of every little thing you want to get done
starts to cave, collapse and trap you in where there's no sun.
And all you want is to be able to see the the light.
but you dick around on the Internet, for the entire night.

The stacks of studying that you need to do
take a back seat to videos on youtube
because you need to know all the funny things that cats do.
Or have to F5 your Facebook page, to see if someone noticed you.

Trying to claw your way out of responsibility.
You've got so much time, you tell yourself
"This could never be the death of me!"

And ten pages of purple links on the screen
mindlessly clicking on everything.
Advice animals and questions that you've never asked but NEED to know the answer to.
Star Wars plot holes? Zach Braff did an AmA? Fuck EVERYTHING I was supposed to do.

And soon, the years have passed
and you're still sitting there on your ass.
Waiting, for whatever it is you think you need to light a spark in your life.
Numb to the world around you, the time that passes and the sun light.

So try to claw your way out of the hole you've dug so deep.
Track Name: ...And Saves the Crushed in Spirit
You go home after work all day.
Horrendous traffic jams are where you wait.
And all you want is to log on
to see what she commented on.

You throw your keys haphazardly,
turn on the lights and then the screen.
And the contrast blinds momentarily,
but you'll feel at home soon.

Because we are made of electricity.
And the spark that binds you and me
can be felt over a thousand miles
You can feel it when she smiles
Or when you receive an orangered before you go to sleep.

Your heart it bleeds on the beds of the keys
In a subreddit or IRC.
And your love grows thick, so you arrange to meet
to fill in the gaps, found in your dreams.

Nervous? Sure, you're supposed to be.
"The love of my life. Right here next to me?"
But you stay the course, because you've gotta know.
If you turn back now, you'll never see how things would go.

Crazy how love does transcend.
Ethereal, the signals sent
travel though a series of tubes.
And your love finds who it's supposed to.
Track Name: Women in Binders
You threw it out in one fell swoop and the country was impressed.
that someone could so quickly offend every member of the fairer sex.
your perspective is distorted. I don't think you'll ever see
the way things are in this country from your tower made of ivory.

We don't need your sympathy. Or the lies you tell through your teeth
God damn your tax breaks for the rich. That's why we're all losing sleep.

And the women you keep in binders don't think you understand
that they are living breathing creatures not just objects crafted for man.
I was raised by a single mother since the early age of 5
I can't explain just how much i love her. I owe her everything I have in my life.

She doesn't need your sympathy or your smiling lies.
She just wants her kids to have health insurance and for them to be able to live fruitful lives.
Track Name: Poor Colby
I can't believe that this could happen.
My family is shattered. Oh, what do I do?
I knew we had troubles but this isn't something anyone's used to.

The urges that some keep in the dark
my son has and it's torn us apart.
The skeletons kept in the closet are now public domain.
My wife won't even look at me the same way she thinks I'm insane.

All I want is to keep my family safe.
I never thought things could happen this way.
Who knew so much damage could be done from the inside?
Instead of manning up, my son takes the coward's way out and hides.

In the darkness of his room where my disgust for him still looms.
Where I'm trying to understand why he just couldn't be a man
and tell me he needed help, instead of putting our dog through Hell.
Because now he's dragged our family down. And I can still hear the sound,
the nervous crack in my wife's voice, making the conscious choice
between her husband and her son, and just like a loaded gun
when she pulled the trigger, I snapped back, and so I began pack
all my things and leave from here, leave behind what I held most dear.
The memories of holding my son, so proud of the man he'd become
But that's dissolved over the years and I've got left are these tears.
Track Name: The Spirit of the Hero Lives on Forever in the Hearts of Those He Saves
After all the dust has settled
and all the shelters, reduced to scrap metal
there is a hero and he walks
brave and tall. He could save us. He could save us all.

Cast out into the shadows
fighting noble battles for his people.
But they didn't understand.
No they didn't understand
that the blood on his hands was justified,
and the ice in his heart when he kills, you can see it in his eyes.

While out in the desert,
the dryest of weather
he could hear the cries of the children
and the women of the town that he left behind.

So he rode, with the speed of lightning
you could smell the rubber of his tires from a mile away,
and he killed every last one under the sun
and the people were so grateful and so sad when he rode away.

But, no one ever ever saw him again,
but his spirit lives on the hearts of the men
that look over his town, like he used to
because just what heroes do.
Track Name: The Land of Long Horses
In land far away covered by the greenest of grass
where the trees oversee everything they cast
shadows over creatures with necks longer than they'd ever need to be.

They're a particular bunch. They eat the leaves of the trees.
And to be of such construction, they need the strongest of knees.
They're silly and they're lovely and they're towering so high above me.

And they get stuck in slides, you can see it in their eyes
that remain at the top of their heads and when they sigh
the atmosphere changes, because life is the strangest thing.
And how strange it is to even be alive?

But an existential crisis could never hold them down.
They've got songs to sing, and joy to bring to the playground.
Devilish those slides, but still they go.

And even after getting stuck, their demeanor doesn't change,
because no slide could break their spirits like the New York Stock Exchange
breaks the heart of a man who put all of his chips down and lost everything.